Sweet Valley Diaries

Sweet Valley Diaries Podcast Episode 8: HEART BREAKER, with Russ Nickel

Now that all that coma/personality swap/assault unpleasantness is behind us, let’s get back to what really matters in Sweet Valley: the beach, boys, and miscommunications involving suntan lotion. Marissa is joined by Russ Nickel, funny guy, writer and former beach boy (not the singing kind…though he does sing a lot in this episode).

This is the book about Bill Chase giving Dee Dee Gordon surfing lessons, some sexy Todd-interloper named Patsy, and the school play, Splendor in the Grass. 

For the original book recap of HEART BREAKERS, click here.

 

Super Thriller 1: Double Jeopardy

 

Just then, the man stopped to hoist the load up, as if to get a better grip. Part of the green blanket fell back as he shifted the weight, and Jessica felt her heart–almost literally–stand still. A woman’s arm was clearly visible, hanging limply out from underneath the blanket. – p. 60 If you remember the later years of the Sweet Valley High series — or even if you've ever perused the list of book titles — you know that, at some point, things in Sweet Valley get nuts. Instead of semi-annual kidnappings and occasional deaths, these later books offer non-stop action, murderers, the infamous evil twins, and these Fear-Street-style plotlines sometimes span several volumes. Looking back, it's hard to pinpoint a single book that marks this shift into Crazytown. One candidate is Double Jeopardy, the first Sweet Valley "Super Thriller." This first Thriller occurs during Sweet Valley's "Impossible Summer," which is what I like to call the time during all summer-edition SVH books that is somehow both before AND after the girls' junior year. Liz has already met Jeffrey (who's away as a counselor at a summer camp), but somehow everyone's going to go right back to junior year as soon as this volume's over. So, other than existing within a rift in the space/time continuum, what's so thrilling about this book? It still features a boy-crazy Jessica, precocious bordering on sociopathic. Elizabeth is still focused and annoyingly levelheaded. But this time, there's a murderer.  The mere presence of a murderer isn't thrilling enough for you? Wait, there's more! The murderer has killed the girlfriend of one of Steven Wakefield's buddies, Adam, who happens to be staying with the Wakefields for the summer. He then put the body in the trunk of Adam's car, so everyone thinks Adam's a murderer! The one person in Sweet Valley who knows the truth is Jessica: she actually saw the murderer carrying his victim's dead body through a parking lot. But no one believes Jessica's story, because she's been lying her ass off to impress some boy, a reporter for the local paper no less! AND the murderer knows Jessica saw him, so he's probably going to come after her, too! That thrilling enough for ya? Jessica has to do all she can to convince the police that Adam's innocent, and that there's a real killer on the loose. As I mentioned earlier, some pathological lying on Jessica's part is causing something of a roadblock. Here are the primary lies she tells at the book's outset: 1. She tells the hot Sweet Valley Times reporter that there was foul play in a recent fire at the Dairi Burger. Assuring him that there's something to this story, they go check it out. The owner is totally baffled, as it was a very straightforward grease fire.  2. She tells the same reporter that her neighbor is a murderer. For some reason, he writes a story about it and turns it in to his editor. He nearly gets fired for irresponsible journalism.  3. Because she thinks relationships are boring, she want Liz to forget about Jeffrey and fall in love with Adam. She writes a love letter to Jessica, pretending it's from Adam. In it, "he" professes his displeasure with his girlfriend. This causes a bit of a snafu when Adam's girlfriend is suddenly dead, and Liz feels she has no choice but to turn in her evidence against him — namely, the letter she believes he wrote to her. Oops.  Damn, Jess! That's a lot of lying, even for you! But she's able to gradually convince them she's in earnest about the whole murderer thing. Primarily she does this by exhibiting an air of hysteria and terror. After all, now the murderer is probably after HER., the one person Jessica actually cares about.  I won't tell you how it all ends up. Suffice it to say, everybody dies. Just kidding. Suffice it to say, nobody dies. Except Adam's girlfriend. She's still dead.

"Sweet Valley Confidential" Part 2: The Other Things

YET ANOTHER SUPER SPOILER ALERT!!

Okay, okay. You've had a few months. Has everyone finished reading at this point? Like it or not, it's time to put your books away and get pencils out. I'm giving you a pop quiz?

1.Who sleeps with more guys in this book, Elizabeth or Jessica?

2. Which Men of Sweet Valley fall in love…with each other?

3. Which character(s) grew into reportedly despicable adults?

The answers to the above questions encompass (1) my favorite about-face in this brave new SVC world (and one I find somewhat believable); (2) the part of the book that makes me most giddy, despite the fact that it seems totally unbelievable; (3) the one thing about this book that really, truly stinks (putting aside my dismay about Jess and Todd ending up together). Let's explore.

ANSWERS:

1. Elizabeth. I haven't pored over every page of the book looking for sex scenes (I swear!) but by my count, Jessica only gets busy with two guys in SVC: Todd (past and present), and the rich guy she ditches in France. Elizabeth, on the other hand, has (to start) chapter one's infamous “crying orgasm” stranger. This event doesn’t occur during the book, strictly speaking, but I think we can agree that linear timelines and Sweet Valley are mortal enemies, and that’s true in this new book even more than in the never-ending junior year of the SVH series. Then there’s Todd of course (mentioned in the past-tense), the saucy playwright Will Connolly, and, ultimately, Bruce. At least two of those pairings are reactionary, Elizabeth acting out against her goody-goody, sweet, and trusting past, the past that wounded her so deeply.
   
   Jessica, meanwhile, thinks of seducing others (her co-worker, most notably), but decides to put that out of her mind in favor of love. Now, that doesn’t sound much like Jessica. But when one is trying to put one’s life together after a failed relationship (or, in Jessica’s case, after MANY failed-by-design relationships), one often tries to make a drastic change, lest you make the same mistake twice. Especially at 27. Even though I was a bit disappointed that Jessica didn’t decide to seduce anyone in this book, you know, just for old times’ sake, I have to say that this particular turnabout in the lives of the twins makes sense to me.
2. Steven Wakefield and Aaron Dallas. Let me say that again, in case any of you are reading this instead of the actual book. Steven Wakefield and Aaron Dallas fall in love in this book. With each other. It’s kind of awesome, in a shocked-and-surprised-but-oh-what-the-heck sort of way. Of course, in real life, young men (and women) discover their homosexuality post-high-school, and most of us probably have at least one or two high-school peers whom we friended on Facebook only to find that, against expectations, they’d come out.
   
   But seriously, now. Aaron Dallas, the soccer star with the anger management problem, and Steven Wakefield, the handsome brother who dated a high school girl (in the book, he and Cara are married, you’ll recall) while he was in college? These are not the prime suspects for gaydom in the Sweet Valley Universe. Who would I have picked, you ask? Easy:
   
   Nicholas Morrow (infamous ascot wearer) and Tom McKay (though he had several girlfriends, it was once suggested that Jessica “turned him off the female sex forever”). Wouldn’t they have made a lovely couple? Sure, it wouldn’t have been particularly helpful to the story, but it would have been more believable. Or perhaps Steven could have fallen for one of them instead of Aaron. As one twitter follower pointed out, Steve and Nick could have adopted a daughter and named her Regina. Sweet.
3. Pretty much all of them. Enid is a bitchy doctor who Liz doesn’t even keep in touch with anymore, and she’s ashamed of her affair with mere salesperson (note sarcasm) A.J. Morgan. Lila and Ken have a disastrous and complicated marriage/divorce. Steven is keeping his homosexual affair a secret from his wife. Betsey Morgan is reportedly a drunk again. Don’t even get me started on Jessica and Todd. It used to be that only Jessica and Lila were consistently awful, and at least then it was with a fragment of soul that kept you interested. These 27-year-olds are just sort of awful.
   
   Of course, the saddest example is Winston. That he becomes rich and famous definitely fits the model, and we know that wealth corrupts. But screw believability (and ignore the fact that I’ve been ranting about it throughout this entry), this is Sweet Valley! Why does Winston have to turn bad? Moreover, why does he have to die? (Sorry, non-readers, but I did say “super spoiler alert”.) This is just the prime example of what seems like the mean theme of this book: People are jerks, and you have to learn to live with it. Rise above it if you can, but it’s inevitable. And, yeah, that might be true, but it’s not exactly the message we Adult Readers of the Sweet Valley Series have been waiting for. As pre-teens reading the SVH series, we got lessons like “Don’t be a drunk driver,” “Don’t hang out with creepy older dudes,” or “Help your friends when they get kidnapped.” Some of us could still benefit from such lessons, I’m sure. One of the reasons I hope there are more volumes in a theoretical Sweet Valley Confidential Series is because I think these characters deserve a chance to redeem themselves, and we deserve a little more from them.
   
   One more thing about Winston: As unpleasant as his storyline gets, it holds some fascinating implications. Remember how Winston and Todd grew apart after the former found out about the latter’s affair with Jessica? Well, what if that betrayal destroyed the fun-loving Winston’s faith in humanity? Success held little joy for him if two people he thought so much of could do something so hurtful to someone they loved. He could only take pleasure in joys of the flesh, so to speak, and they led him to accidental death. So, in a way, his death is Todd and Jessica’s fault. Wouldn’t that be interesting? I think so. Next book, please!

40. On the Edge

Is it all over between Regina and Bruce?

So this was cocaine, she thought, her face still flushed from the effects of the beer she had drunk. Funny, she would have expected it to look scarier somehow. She couldn’t imagine that innocuous white powder doing anything to anyone. - p. 116  I honestly don't know where to begin. The sheer balls on this little book are mind blowing. This book is a wolf in sheep's clothing. I have whined to you, dear readers, of the tragedy of painful breakups, the nuttiness of multiple kidnappings, and the discomfort of facing death and drugs in Sweet Valley. This book, with its peaceful (if sorrowful) cover painting and its innocuous subtitle, promises the former but delivers the pain of all the latter topics combined. Not only do Regina and Bruce break up, but Bruce also cheats on Regina with freaking Amy Sutton, and Regina finds out that she was the only one that didn't know. She finds out at a party that Bruce cheats on her DURING; she tells everyone there that she hates them; she meets a kind of shady kid and his much shadier acquaintances; they go to Kelly's; everyone that betrayed Regina tries to tell her who to befriend; she goes to a party planning to be only an innocent bystander, and then she drinks some beers, snorts two lines of coke and fucking dies of a heart attack. I knew this was going to happen before I started this book, because it is difficult to know anything about Sweet Valley High without hearing about On the Edge. But knowing didn't make the book any more comfortable. I was essentially ill over every word of it. Bruce’s character has changed a lot since his Playing With Fire days, I thought. He loves Regina, who is great, and the fact that he could even fall in love with a (formerly) deaf girl seemed to prove his status as a new man. So, when the last book had Amy Sutton claiming that she and Bruce would be doing a little more than studying as they prepared an “oral report” together (wink wink, wink harder than this series usually winks), I figured she was full of it. Really, I didn’t think Bruce would fall so easily. But all she has to do is hint that she’s willing to kiss him, and Bruce is all over Amy as if he’d never frenched before (which I suppose could be true, but it seems unlikely of the only boy at Sweet Valley High whom we know to be guilty of seducing drunk chicks). Knowing the consequences of everyone’s careless actions and frivolous comments only served to color them as even more callous than they might otherwise have seemed. For example, here’s Amy, hoping her fling with Bruce will take off sooner rather than later:  I don't mind being the "other woman" for a little while, but it'll get boring soon. I want the whole world to know Bruce and I are in love. And I want him to take me to the country club and buy me lots of expensive presents and stuff. How can he do that if he's still going out with Regina?  - to Jessica, p. 20 Jessica’s no better. Her friendship with fellow cheerleader Amy makes her virtually oblivious to Regina’s feelings. Elizabeth, on the other hand, is torn. She wants to tell Regina about the rumors of infidelity, but knows that spreading unsubstantiated rumors isn’t a great idea either. Worse yet, the twins are throwing a cookout (essentially this volume’s “dance”) and Bruce, Regina, AND Amy will all be there. Jessica had just been telling her sister that she couldn't wait for the cookout. "There's bound to be lots of scandal," she'd said. "Especially since all three members of the 'love triangle' will be there.” That was what Elizabeth couldn't understand — how her sister could actually relish the prospect of a romantic World War III.  -p. 27 This is precisely what goes down at the cookout. If this were a “Romantic World War II,” I’d say that Amy is instigator Germany, Bruce is misguided tagalong Italy, and Regina is poor, devastated France. In “Romantic World War III,” I have no clear cut analogies, but I think Amy is probably North Korea, Bruce is, like, Iran under Ahmadinejad , and Regina is...Greece? Sweden? It’s unclear... regardless, Bruce and Amy actually run off to MAKE OUT BEHIND A TREE! Regina is right there by the pool! When Liz goes to distract Regina so she doesn’t see them (it would suck to find out that way, Liz worries) Regina sees Bruce and Amy together and realizes that everyone knew she was being cheated on except, well, she herself. Bomb explosion!! She storms off in Bruce’s car, telling him he can pick it up the next day. The keys will be in the mailbox.  In the wake of this mass betrayal, Regina is angry and despondent. The book’s title suggests that something serious is happening, but oddly enough, Regina is not “on the edge” during this book.  She doesn’t really rebel and act badly, she just angrily avoids friends that remind her of what happened with Bruce and tries to be a good friend to a troubled guy she meets at lunch, Justin Belson. At worst, she’s merely “on edge.” It’s only her peers that are freaking out about her new friend Justin and his crowd, who are purportedly into drugs. But the Sweet Valley tradition of changeable perspective (on any given page, it is typically the character we are focusing on whose thoughts and opinions we are presented with) lets us know that Regina hasn’t really changed at all, and merely feels for Justin, who has struggled so much more than she has in life. As the author tells us on page 71, “He appealed to her, yes, but she wasn't sure in what way.” When Regina is invited to a party at Molly Hecht’s house, she doesn’t really want to go except to support Justin, who used to date Molly and is clearly still in love with her. Justin has split with Molly because of her reckless ways, and her friendship with a shady character named Jan Brown. When told that someone named Buzz will be there, Regina is even less excited about the party. But her brother Nicholas and her friends (especially Elizabeth) are so concerned about Regina’s “new crowd” that they warn her constantly to be careful, which really just pisses her off. She knows they mean well, but she just can’t understand why they don’t trust her judgement.  This Buzz character is pretty scary (“Buzz. Just the name gave Regina chills.”). Bruce and Amy (who really are working on an oral report together, which just happens to be about drug use) find out from Amy’s cousin that Buzz is a notorious drug dealer that the cops are trying to bust. Pretty gritty stuff for Sweet Valley. When Elizabeth hears about Buzz and his likely presence at this party, “All she could think about was Regina, Molly's party, and the horrible-sounding Buzz.”  The last few chapters of this book contain so much soap-opera-quality gold that I would quote every line if I could. For example, when Bruce calls Regina to warn her about Molly’s party and the shady characters known as Jan Brown and Buzz, Nicholas forces Regina to talk to Bruce at last, and this conversation transpires: BRUCE: This guy Justin Belson, how much do you know about him? REGINA:  Enough. But then how much does anyone ever really know someone else? I thought I knew you, and I’d never have guessed in a million years you’d treat me the way you did on Saturday night. BRUCE: Okay. Touché, Regina. Way to go Regina! Alas, all the warnings turn out to be correct. It’s not that Regina wants to drink beers or smoke pot or snort coke, but she also doesn’t want to seem any squarer than she already looks at this party. She’s coaxed into drinking some beer, and teased about being a goody two-shoes, and then Buzz shows up and all hell breaks loose. Literally, someone shouts, “Shut up! Everyone shut up! It’s Buzz!”  Once the coke is out on display, Regina is coerced into trying it, being told (and believing) that it’s fantastic and harmless.  Buzz laughed. “Is that what they’re teaching you now? That you can get addicted to coke? Listen,” he added, “if you’ve got money, this stuff is the passport to heaven. It won’t hurt you, it won’t make you fat, it won’t get you hooked, all it’ll do is make you happy.” -p.117 It is very, very easy to picture millions of preteen girls reading this passage with a sense of excited horror. It’s the perfect set up, really, because when Regina is willing to try not one, but TWO lines of coke, it seems for a second that everything will be fine. And then she feels her heart start to race, then a little more, and all of a sudden Nicholas and some cops bust in and break up the party, rushing Regina to the hospital. Liz and Bruce are called in at Regina’s request. But it’s too late. Regina had an undiagnosed heart murmur, and the cocaine has killed her. Whoa. As if this isn’t heavy enough, Regina has written and mailed a letter to Elizabeth that arrives after Regina’s death, thanking her for being a good friend and apologizing for being so snippy. Why the letter? It was too hard to say in person. I am really curious to hear how many of you swore off drugs because of this book. Killing a sweet character like Regina is such a boldly “Just Say No” move that part of me thinks Nancy Reagan might have ghost written this book. Oddly enough, a similar story to this played a big part in keeping me off drugs, only in the form of a health class video where a little kid with an unknown heart condition (of course) finds cocaine under his brother’s bed. I was about 12, just the age I’m sure many of you were when you first read On the Edge. The closing scene of On the Edge features a heartfelt memorial service for Regina in the gym, where Elizabeth gives a speech and Nicholas reads a poem. And there in the crowd are Justin and Molly, who haven’t spoken since Regina died. I am really going to miss Regina, but I’m looking forward to watching Molly Hecht, Jan Brown, and Justin Belson squirm in the next book, which stars Molly as a social pariah (since Regina was essentially killed at her party). In the meantime, let’s all celebrate Regina’s life and remember her death with some cheesy merchandise that I cooked up for just this occasion.

16. Rags to Riches

“Look who’s after Roger Barrett!”

If you skipped ahead to this installment without reading the previous one’s “B Story” section, you’re in for a big surprise: Roger Barrett is now Roger Patman! No, he and Bruce didn’t get married; Roger just found out that his real father was NOT Mr. Barrett (dead) but Bruce’s uncle, Paul Patman (who’s dead), a secret Roger’s mom (also dead) never told. Now what would such a story be without some evil scheming by Miss Jessica Wakefield? (A reader recently sent me an email citing these schemes as the principle reason she read the series.) This time, she’s not only cruel but also petty. She’s after Roger, who she thought was cute before he became a Patman but considered off-limits because, eeeww, he was POOR. Now that Roger’s rich, he’s officially chaseable, but there’s a big problem: Roger has a steady girlfriend, Olivia Davidson. By this time, we should know that Jessica doesn’t consider such obstacles reason to back down. Her logic, according to page 21, is as follows: “Olivia Davidson...is hardly the right sort of girl to go out with Roger Patman. She may have been fine for Roger Barrett, but Roger Patman needs someone a little more exciting.” Rather than merely flash her sexy, bikini-clad body in Roger’s direction and bat her eyelashes, Jess opts for an indirect approach. This is either because (a) she’s just too devious for that kind of cop-out ploy or (b) a wise writer realized that this book should be a little different than, say, the last 15 books. The latter seems more likely, but either way, I’m glad things happened the way they did, Shall I tell you about it? Okay, then. While Roger’s “new” uncle, Henry Patman, is eager to love Roger just the way he is, Aunt Marie (Mrs. Patman) isn’t so sure. She has very rigid ideas about how a proper young man should behave, and these ideas are conveniently rather anti-...well, anti-anything that Roger is. Running is too antisocial, wanting to become a doctor is too “messy” (seriously, p. 100), and dating a shy girl is too...well it just won’t do. That means Olivia is out and someone prettier, louder, and better at tennis is in, at least if Mrs. Patman has her way. Enter Jessica, who manages to win over Mrs. Patman by waiting on her hand and foot during a picnic and pool party thrown in Roger’s honor. This is only a prelude to the real party, a formal one at the country club to which Jess desperately wants to accompany Roger. After deftly implanting this idea into Marie Patman’s head, there’s just one thing left to do: break up Roger and Olivia. Piece of cake. In fact, splitting up the now-rich Romeo and his too-funky-for-polo-shirts Juliet isn’t that hard, particularly since Olivia is apparently a total idiot. What else can you call a girl who isn’t suspicious when Jessica Wakefield suddenly befriends her right after her boyfriend becomes the richest, most talked about boy in town? Were Olivia in her right mind, she would’ve smelled foul-play from a mile away, but she and Roger are both a little dizzy from the, um, fumes of change. That’s right. Of change. Jessica works her evil magic, tricking Olivia into looking like a fool on the tennis court, dismissing her dress for the country club party as inappropriate, and basically convincing her that money has changed Roger forever. And voila! Jessica steps in (at Mrs. Patman’s suggestion) as Roger’s new party date. So, who’s going to save the day and set everything right? Well, who else but the twin who hasn’t been mentioned yet? Elizabeth’s perspective is a bit less biased than Jessica’s, of course. She sees Olivia as beautiful and original, not as some frizzy-haired weirdo. And though it pains her to speak ill of her twin – a fact that has been making me cringe since Book 1 – by now she knows a cruel Jessica scheme when she sees one. She calls Jess out after Roger finally gets wise, and puts the stupid, stupid couple back together. Never missing a beat on a count of remorse, Jessica finds a new date in the nick of time. Among other things, I found it interesting that the Patmans have such bizarre ideas about what is normal or acceptable. What aunt wouldn’t be pleased that her nephew aspires to be a doctor? And what’s so bad about running as a hobby? Sure, it’s not a particularly social sport but if you recall, Roger is not your average jogger. He won the Bart, for God’s sake – that certainly improved his social status. And who did he narrowly beat to win that race? Bruce Patman. Of course, while Bruce likes to run, he prefers to win, and the sport he wins at is tennis. If you go back to Book 3, you’ll remember that Bruce’s obsession with tennis, while respected by his mother, is far from normal. Just as Mrs. Patman wants Roger to be exactly like Bruce, Bruce tried to turn Jessica into Mrs. Patman (no cheerleading!  no miniskirts! only tennis and tennis dresses!) But NOW, Mrs. Patman wants Jessica to date Roger so Roger can be more like Bruce, and...OUCH! My brain! I don’t think I can possibly discuss this further without a diagram. Guys, I’m not making a diagram.

15. Promises

“Somehow, Jessica will get rid of Betsy!”

Dear Diaries,  Oh me oh my! Yet again, tragedy has struck Sweet Valley, and this time it’s going to stick. Tricia Martin is finally dead, which is really the only way anyone can be dead. Miraculously, Jessica’s icy-cold heart thaws a bit at this event and even she is able to see that the death of her brother’s beloved girlfriend (of cancer, at 17) is kinda sad. But this lapse in bitchiness proves temporary when an apparently greater horror occurs: Tricia’s sister Betsy moves in with the Wakefields. Now, Betsy might not sound like a slutty name and, based on Book 15’s cover, she might not look like a slutty girl. Slap a leather mini skirt and some heavy eyeliner on her, though, and Miss Martin operates at a slut-factor that puts even the formerly “Easy Annie” to shame. SURE, after Tricia’s death Betsy promises to get straight, but come on, why  should Jessica trust that lousy skank? Huh? Or so she argues when Steven and Liz both plead with her to give Betsy a second chance like a decent human being. Surely I don’t have to tell you, clever readers, that such pleading is futile. By the end of the book, Jessica convinces Betsy that she’s just a pitiful charity case, driving her out of the Wakefield house and into someplace called “The Shady Lady” for her first drink and 3-way makeout in weeks. (Surely not the first girl Jess has driven to the bottle.)  Luckily for Betsy, she’s not really a mere charity case to Liz, Steven, and Steven’s cute college friend, Jason. In the course of her stay, the Wakefields found that Betsy was a first-class artist (she drew some killer sketches of her dead sister and the Wakefields eating breakfast — two separate drawings, not Tricia's ghost at the Spanish-tiled kitchen table). Unable to gain the trust of an emotionally damaged and gun-shy Betsy, the three secretly win her a scholarship to an L.A. art school. In the book’s final moments, Betsy finds out that she does have real friends... and that Jason knows karate. Sexy! One interesting thing about this story is that it’s the first time any main character’s “inappropriate" behavior is described with any specificity – or, for that matter, as fact rather than rumor. True, the book does leave a lot of Betsy’s whoring, boozing, and drug use to the imagination. But let me introduce several incidences of saucy behavior that were never so boldly named in previous volumes. Even from several feet away, Elizabeth could smell the alcohol on Betsy’s breath. Her heavy makeup was smeared under one eye, and her skimpy shirt was missing several buttons...”Did I say she couldn’t walk a straight line?” Jessica asked. “She can’t even walk. She’s probably been in every bar in Southern California tonight.”  - p. 8-9 “Elizabeth, a date with Betsy Martin means one thing, and one thing only...And I thought Betsy Martin stories were a dime a dozen.”   - Betsy herself, p.85 “But art school’s not going to do her any good if she’s too trashed to see straight.”  - Steven, p. 137   “Why don’t you guys give up and go home. We’re busy playing games that are out of your league.” “You call drinking a game?” Steven gestured toward her refilled glass. “Drinking...and maybe other things too,” Betsy said...”Charlie here just got his hands on some dynamite pot.”  - p. 140-141   “How positively awful–having to share your home with such low-class trash. Why, our stable boy has more class than Betsy Martin!”   - Lila Fowler, p.43 Okay, so that last one was just for me.  Given how unflatteringly she’s described, it’s amazing how much compassion the author and characters have for Betsy. Which brings us, of course, to the motivation for Betsy’s behavior problems: Alcoholic Dad! You know him well, as he has appeared in countless TV shows, movies, and books; there has never been a time in your life when you were unacquainted with Alcoholic Dad. Oh, he wasn’t always this way...once he had his loving wife, his beautiful young children, a great job! But now, what has he got? Nothing but Jim Beam and a dirty glass to keep him company on those dark, lonely nights and those cruel, endless days...but I digress. The point is, no teenage daughter can survive the wrath of Alcoholic Dad without permanent damage. Well, there’s Tricia. But she was a fluke, and...hey! Wait a sec...she’s dead! She didn’t survive at all. AND her dad probably DROVE her to leukemia! Oh, the sorrow! In closing, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sweet Valley may be bracing some racier behavior, but those crystalline stereotypes are living as large as ever.

12. When Love Dies

“What terrible secret is Tricia keeping from Steven?”

Looking for the 2018 podcast episode about this book? Click here. Horrible, horrible, the many hours I spent waiting for book number 12 to arrive. I should have looked more carefully at the estimated delivery time, but I don't think it would have made much difference. There are a handful of Sweet Valley High books that are mysteriously difficult to track down, and When Love Dies is one of them. More seasoned book collectors (anyone who consistently tracks down out-of-print texts that aren't written for pre-teen girls of the 1980s) probably know some common reasons why this occurs. Limited run? Warehouse fire? My theory, for this book at least, is that those many internet entrepreneurs who purge themselves of their Francine Pascal libraries just can't let this one go. It's got to be a sentimental favorite. Because for once, by God, this one time, someone in Sweet Valley has something both serious AND believable to stress about.  It starts out as a not-quite-so-serious problem, picking up, as usual, on a strain from the previous book. Steven Wakefield, the twins' mandatorily sexy older brother, cannot get his girlfriend to talk to him. When he calls, she seems disinterested, she makes excuses to cancel plans. Steven only comes home from college on the weekends, so he's perplexed that she's not taking the opportunity to see him when she can. This is all fine by Jessica, whose disdain for Tricia is strong and entirely based on the Martin family's rep, which is a bad one. Mr. Martin is a known alcoholic and sister Betsy is a notorious skank. She's dating that horrible Rick Andover! Ugh! Tricia, however, is innocent...or always has been. Jessica uses this new behavior change in Tricia as a weapon to convince Steven that she might have "found someone else." Who smells an ulterior motive? Much to Steven, Elizabeth, and Todd's eventual dismay, Jessica wants to fix her brother up with Cara Walker, who we all know to be nothing more than an attractive plot device. Allow me to elaborate: Cara is a notorious gossip. She knows everything about everyone everywhere, as if by magic. This allows her to alert anyone in Sweet Valley to whatever he or she needs to know for the story to progress. Now, Steve isn't really into plot devices, attractive or not – he prefers real girls. But there's no denying that she's very handy. In this very book, in fact, she informs Jessica that a handsome young TV personality is in the local hospital with a broken leg – a bad one, at that, as he's in the hospital for at least a week. This, in turn, leads Jessica and Elizabeth to become candy stripers at said hospital. All stars are aligned. Based on this information and the title of this book, can you figure out the rest of the story? I think you might be able to get pretty much all of it, except for the part where Jessica is proposed to by the TV star and accepts, not because she actually wants to marry him, but because she's enticed by the idea of a prolonged engagement. But that's the cotton candy B-Roll of Book 12 (see sidebar), so it will have to wait for another day. I had the luxury of more than a mere synopsis – dialogue, inner monologue even! – so it was pretty easy for me to nail this one down by chapter 2 or 3. Tricia is dying. She doesn't want Steve to know. One of the twins would happen to run into her at the hospital while working. That twin would end up telling Steven.  Now, that might not SOUND "believable," as I called it in the opening paragraph, but I haven't given you all the details. Tricia has leukemia. Her mother's death is what lead her dad into alcoholism...somehow. She doesn't want to hurt him! She's being selfless! Really, REALLY stupid, but selfless!! Poor Steven! Poor Tricia! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I have become desensitized to ridiculous plots. You're thinking that all this Sweet Valley might be really dangerous. And you are probably right. But I'm doing this for you! If I don't protect you from the sharp, rusty ridiculousness by digesting it for you, you might get Plot Tetanus! There's no vaccine for that, folks. But now that I'm infected, I'm going to hold on to this gem, Book 12. I love it. You will not be able to buy my copy on e-Bay, either.  It's for your own protection.