Sweet Valley Diaries

Facial Fashions of Sweet Valley

I have referred to several of the men on the cover of Sweet Valley High novels as “Tom Cruise.” I didn’t do it because of an obsession with Cruise, or because of the characters’ tendencies to hate on antidepressants and jump around on chairs. I did it because I thought they looked like Tom Cruise. Let’s review, shall we?

       

Here’s a cover image from Book 12, When Love Dies. I’m not sure how accurate a statement this was. I mean, look how tall Steven Wakefield is! One thing I do know for sure: I am very, very funny. :D

It’s not just Steven that resembles Ol’ Top Gun.

 

 

 

OK. There is no doubt in my mind that Book 35‘s Aaron Dallas looks exactly like angry Tom Cruise. As for the Zack Morris/Jeffrey French corollary, I’ll let you be the judge:

 

 

Hee hee.

With Book 36’s entry a couple of week’s ago, I finally broke down and called out cover artist James Mathewuse. It’s not just Steven, Aaron, and Peter that look like Cocktails-era Cruise. About 75% of Sweet Valley boys resemble Tom Cruise in some way. I mean, even creepster Scott looks a little like Cruise with a mustache. 

 

Imagine that Tom’s wearing regular glasses. Or, imagine that Peter’s wearing sunglasses. Either way.

 

Flip through the old entries (or your own book collection) and you’ll see what I mean. There are plenty of occasions when Todd Wilkins, Roger Barrett, or even Bruce Patman look a little Cruise-y. Perhaps it’s because of his popularity in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Or maybe, they don’t resemble Cruise at all. Maybe he looks like them!

OR---GAN---VAAAAAMP!

35. Out of Control

Will Aaron Dallas destroy Elizabeth and Jeffrey's happiness?

"It's not my fault!" he choked out, his throat constricting with hot tears."Everyone makes me so mad! What do they expect from me? It's not my fault!" - p. 77 So, Aaron Dallas is angry. It doesn't really matter what about; pretty much anything could set him off if he senses it's a slight or insult against him. This is especially problematic during soccer practice, as every rough steal or accidental push sends him into a blind rage. And, since he's the best player on the team, he puts Sweet Valley's championship hopes on the line when the coach threatens to boot him off the team if he doesn't quit wailing on people.  Now, you may be wondering why you should care about Aaron Dallas and his anger management issues (other than the fact that Francine Pascal told you to, which should be enough for some of us). The answer is simple: Elizabeth Wakefield and Jeffrey French are in a fight about it. Rational to a fault (well, not always), Liz sees that Aaron's behavior is way out of line. Jeffrey, though, is Aaron's best friend, and expresses his friendship through unquestioning loyalty instead of concerned intervention. He really doesn't want to hear Liz suggest that Aaron is in the wrong, and Liz is frustrated that Jeffrey won't listen to reason.  Of course, there is a reason that Aaron is so angry. His parents are getting divorced and his mother ran off with another man and left Aaron and Mr. Dallas to fend for themselves. Aaron's dad has anger issues of his own, but these are not the kind of dudes that talk about their feelings, hence the yelling and punching people. There is one thing that calms the Hulk, though, and it's a doozy: baby talk from his girlfriend, Heather. That's right. Baby talk. THE VERY THING THAT MAKES MOST PEOPLE WANT TO PUNCH THINGS IS THE THING STOPS AARON FROM PUNCHING THINGS! Sweet Pascalian irony. Blink and you'll miss it.  Heather is my favorite part of this book, mostly because of the well-deserved grief she causes for Elizabeth. Since Heather is dating Jeffrey's best friend, she and Elizabeth get to spend a bit of quality time together, much to the latter's dismay. To quote Elizabeth,"I mean, she's awfully sweet, but she's driving me crazy!". Liz is irked by the baby talk ("they sound like a couple of kindergartners!"), and by Heather's impetuous habit of sitting next to Liz and "making comments" about what's happening.   Despite the baby talk, I felt like Liz was being awfully judgmental. Sure, the girl was annoying, but so are most of these Sweet Valley kids. What's more, Elizabeth hardly knows Heather. As it turns out, Heather has been underestimated. She makes her own high-fashion wardrobe, and she only does the embarrassing baby-talk to pacify Aaron, who she's really concerned about.  Maybe it's best to let the book speak for itself here: "She was sorry about Elizabeth, because she really liked and respected her. But, well, Elizabeth Wakefield was so poised and smart, Heather felt that she herself always ended up sounding dumb and immature when she talked to the older girl. No wonder Elizabeth didn't want to be her friend." -p. 67 It's really Heather that ends up saving Aaron from himself. She convinces him to see a counselor for help after he punches Jeffrey.  Oh, yeah. He punches Jeffrey. Because Jeffrey was defending Elizabeth, who mentioned Aaron's misbehavior and suspension in an article for the school paper covering the soccer championships. Crazy, right? Why is Elizabeth covering soccer when sports is John Pfeifer's beat?!   The counselor makes everything okay so that Aaron and his dad start talking about their feelings, the coach lets Aaron play in the big match, and Sweet Valley wins. Aaron and Liz and Jeff and Heather can all be friends forever, or at least until some other major life event sets disaster in motion. I give it 3-4 books.

32. The New Jessica

Elizabeth's twin has become a complete stranger!          In this graphic, Jeffrey is spelled wrong. Sorry.   The New Jessica, p. 53-54 “Cheerleading,” Jessica had retorted, wrinkling her nose, “is so childish, Lila. I’m thinking of starting ballet lessons again instead. Ballet is so artistic and elegant, don’t you think?” …Lately cheerleading had taken up so much time, she could never have considered dance lessons. But cheerleading really seemed to be part of the old Jessica’s image – not sleek and sophisticated at all. “I think you’d better cut it out,” Lila had said darkly, glaring at the tiny cup of strong coffee the waitress brought her friend. “That stuff looks like sludge,” she commented. Jessica took a tiny sip, trying not to let her face show how awful it tasted. “Delicious,” she had said with effort, sitting back in her chair and trying for the slightly faraway, exotic expressions that cover girls seemed to come by naturally. “Jess, what’s wrong with you? It looks like your eyes are hurting you!” Jessica had sat straighter, annoyed. “The trouble with you, Lila, is that you just don’t understand elegance,” she had snapped. Jessica felt that everything that had been part of her old identity ought to be completely buried. Cheerleading, sorority meetings, school dances, long afternoons at the beach – all of those things seemed incredibly childish now. For one thing, Jessica didn’t want to be in the sun very much now that she was trying so hard to cultivate a pale, ethereal look…And cheerleading just seemed ridiculous. Wearing those costumes was so tacky! Jessica was spending as much time as possible cultivating her new, sophisticated image. She had even gone to see a foreign film the other evening and had raved about it later to Lila, never admitting that she hadn’t been able to read half the subtitles because she was sitting so far back.

"From now on, no one's going to mistake me for Elizabeth — not even for the old Jessica! It'll be as if a new girl moved to town." - Jessica, p. 25 Finally, finally, we stop on our journey at the surreal roadside attraction that is The New Jessica. I really adore the original artwork on these covers (by James Mathewuse), and the day I first laid eyes on this cover, it was all I could do to keep from skipping right to Book 32 in far-fetched hopes that this would be the volume where Jessica becomes a man, regrets it, and starts dressing in drag. That’s what the cover has always said to me: Elizabeth and a look-alike man in drag. Suffice it to say, Jessica does not become a man. At least not in this book. But fed up with being mistaken for her identical twin and in the midst of an “identity crisis,” she decides to make herself over, with Lila’s help, into something resembling an exotic and sophisticated Eastern European model. She dyes her hair black. She wears dramatic makeup to school, accompanied by borrowed, over-the-top outfits reminiscent of the catwalk. She avoids the sun to cultivate a pale look, and (gasp!) loses 3 pounds. But these changes were merely physical. To quote a great film, “to make an impact, you have to go to extremes.” Jessica goes as far as a vaguely British accent and a mounting scorn for the jejune art of cheerleading. Perhaps you’re wondering how Elizabeth feels about her twin’s strange transformation? Well, she’s more than a little put out. In fact, Elizabeth’s reaction may be more dramatic than the makeover itself: “ I can’t help thinking that she’s done this because she doesn’t want to be close to me anymore.”  …it seemed to Elizabeth that something terrible had happened. As if she’d lost her best friend…only worse. She’d lost her twin sister, and nothing in the world would bring her back again.  “…I really feel lost every time I look at her and see this stranger staring back at me.” Because I’m feeling generous, I’m going to credit the daftness that ensues on Liz’s part to her state of shock. Liz, you may recall, has forgotten Todd (!!) and taken up with the new kid, Jeffrey French. He’s no Todd, but he’s okay. Their young relationship is rocked when Jeffrey tells Liz that he likes Jessica’s new look. My head was in my hands, dear friends, as Elizabeth reacted to this harmless comment. From the sound of his voice, it seemed as if he was more than impressed with Jessica’s makeover. Maybe, Elizabeth thought, Jeffrey had suddenly discovered that he liked Jessica’s new look a lot better than Elizabeth’s old one [ed: !!!!] The remainder of The New Jessica is spent by Elizabeth, sulking and fretting; by Jeffrey, confusedly brooding; by Lila, jealously wishing she’d never gotten involved; and by Jessica, loving every minute of it. That is, until an interesting and ironic predicament arises in Chapter 6. Now that Jessica resembles a fashion model, she decides she should become a fashion model (and that her name should be the less white-bread sounding “Jessa Fields.” Yeah.) A photographer she visits suggests that she might be right for an upcoming fashion show at a local department store. The store’s owner, however, decides he’s looking for more of a sunny, fresh-faced, California girl. He spots Liz in the waiting room and practically begs her to be in his show, so ideal is her “look” for his purposes. And thus dies Jessa Fields. The name may live on after I bestow it upon my firstborn daughter, but the “New Jessica” is dismantled, both by this stroke of bum luck and by the discovery (and reading) of a journal containing Elizabeth’s true feelings about the makeover debacle, loss of twinship, etc. Overnight, she returns to her only-slightly-less-glamorous self. Elizabeth realizes that, like her previous boyfriend, Jeffrey is not particularly fond of Jessica. In fact, his pleasure at her transformation was at the prospect of having a physically unique Wakefield specimen for a girlfriend. Somehow this perspective seems completely acceptable to Liz, so everybody’s happy for the few sweet moments until the next book starts. I don’t normally do this, but it seemed too cruel to deprive you, voracious Diaries readers, of one very special scene from Book 32. I’ve placed the text from pages 53-54, which finds Jessica acting completely absurd as she and Lila lounge at a coffee shop called L’Autre Chose, to the left. You’re welcome.

31. Taking Sides

Can Elizabeth outsmart Jessica in the hottest fued ever?

…this uncharacteristic plotting would have to be stopped immediately. Once Elizabeth realized she couldn't outfox Jessica, everything would be back to normal. - p. 104 You all know that I’m very fond of Sweet Valley High novels, right? It would be pretty lame for me to devote an entire blog to something that was a thorn in my side. But I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever gotten through an entire book without experiencing a certain amount of disgust and frustration (one possible exception is my all-time favorite book, No. 10, also known as the Diarystarter, which evoked no emotions in me other than shock and awe). Why couldn’t each books just have its conflict sorted out in a normal, believable way, rather than offend us half-way through with some mind-numbingly absurd action or reaction on the part of its star…or so the argument goes, book after book, until this one, Book 31. Book 31, my friends, is pure high school. The story that unfolds between the covers of Taking Sides is one of deception, scheming, and, of course, boys. If you’ve never been a high-school age girl, you might not know how important boys are to that particular demographic; if you have been a high-school age girl, you’re sure to relate to Elizabeth and Enid’s plight here. When hunky Jeffrey French moves to town, Enid is immediately attracted to him. She’d been single, remember, since that jerkface George dumped her temporarily-paralyzed ass for Robin Wilson (my words, not hers). But of course, Lila Fowler instantly claims Jeffrey as her own personal conquest upon seeing him. Now Jessica and Lila are scheming to make sure Jeff falls for Lila, while Enid and Elizabeth work against the clock, hoping that he isn’t shallow enough to fall for bitchy Lila’s money and superficial charms. He’s 17, so it’s a long shot. At this point, I’m so jaded that I was actually waiting for this little novel to fail me. When would somebody pull a totally bonehead move that creates a plot-halting misunderstanding to dominate 40 pages of the book? Would it be in Chapter 5? Would it hold off until Chapter 10? Well, Taking Sides does have a bonehead move but, miracle of miracles, it actually makes the book better and is even understandable. While trying to talk Jeffrey into getting to know her best friend Enid, Elizabeth realizes that he seems to be more interested in her…and that she doesn’t hate it. Liz, of course, is unswerving in her friendly duties, so she redoubles her efforts to get Enid and Jeff together, largely out of a secret guilt she feels for, you know, liking him. It’s Enid, however, who comes up with the genius idea of getting Jeffrey to put a date with his hot newbie self up for auction in the big charity fundraiser (this book does not, in fact, have a school dance; instead there are several events surrounding a canned-food drive). Then, Enid places the winning bid and scores a date with him. Note: if you’re thinking, “how could Enid outbid the very wealthy Lila in an auction?” good on ya for paying attention. The auction is based on donations of canned goods, not actual money. As an added protection, Enid manages to keep Jess and Lila away from the auction by tricking them into thinking that they’ll be expected to help put cans in boxes for several hours if they show up. Very clever. Guess what? Jeffrey and Enid find that they have no chemistry whatsoever. Enid feels like their one, perfectly pleasant date, was enough to convince her that they weren’t meant to be a couple. But Liz isn’t convinced. In what we later learn was a guilt-fueled rampage, Liz won’t take no for an answer and ends up making Enid and Jeffrey upset with her for being so dense and pushy. That lasts all of about three pages, and when Liz finally gets up the nerve to apologize, Jeffrey gives her the following hilarious speech: He: Silly girl. Don’t you realize I’m already taken? She: Taken? You mean – He: I mean, I like Enid, but I couldn’t be interested in her, because I’m in love with someone else. He’s talking about you, Elizabeth. Amazing. So where are Jessica and Lila in all of this? While Jessica asserts several times in this story that she’s bound and determined to get Lila and Jeff together, she has her own boy crisis to deal with (see “B-Story,” left). Lila tries pretty hard with Jeff, buying him soccer tickets and dancing up a storm at her various pool parties. That said, you can tell it’s doomed (if it weren’t already obvious) when she whines to him, “Jeffie, this is my favorite song!” as he leaves to chat with Liz. Ugh. They’re not even a couple yet, and she’s already nagging. As far as Jessica is concerned, “Jeffrey and Liz” is at least as acceptable as “Jeffrey and Lila” as a pairing; it’s Enid she can’t imagine any self-respecting boy dating. Experts on latter day Sweet Valley, does Jessica ever get over this whole “hating Enid” thing? In this book, she manages to accuse Enid of being both boring and scheming (not to her face, of course, but it one of those patented Sweet Valley ever-changing-narrator-perspective moments I love so dearly. But enough complaining. This is an occasion for celebration! A totally engaging, totally silly, totally high school SVH novel. Way to go, “Kate William,” whoever you may be.