Sweet Valley Diaries

31. Taking Sides

Can Elizabeth outsmart Jessica in the hottest fued ever?

…this uncharacteristic plotting would have to be stopped immediately. Once Elizabeth realized she couldn't outfox Jessica, everything would be back to normal. - p. 104 You all know that I’m very fond of Sweet Valley High novels, right? It would be pretty lame for me to devote an entire blog to something that was a thorn in my side. But I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever gotten through an entire book without experiencing a certain amount of disgust and frustration (one possible exception is my all-time favorite book, No. 10, also known as the Diarystarter, which evoked no emotions in me other than shock and awe). Why couldn’t each books just have its conflict sorted out in a normal, believable way, rather than offend us half-way through with some mind-numbingly absurd action or reaction on the part of its star…or so the argument goes, book after book, until this one, Book 31. Book 31, my friends, is pure high school. The story that unfolds between the covers of Taking Sides is one of deception, scheming, and, of course, boys. If you’ve never been a high-school age girl, you might not know how important boys are to that particular demographic; if you have been a high-school age girl, you’re sure to relate to Elizabeth and Enid’s plight here. When hunky Jeffrey French moves to town, Enid is immediately attracted to him. She’d been single, remember, since that jerkface George dumped her temporarily-paralyzed ass for Robin Wilson (my words, not hers). But of course, Lila Fowler instantly claims Jeffrey as her own personal conquest upon seeing him. Now Jessica and Lila are scheming to make sure Jeff falls for Lila, while Enid and Elizabeth work against the clock, hoping that he isn’t shallow enough to fall for bitchy Lila’s money and superficial charms. He’s 17, so it’s a long shot. At this point, I’m so jaded that I was actually waiting for this little novel to fail me. When would somebody pull a totally bonehead move that creates a plot-halting misunderstanding to dominate 40 pages of the book? Would it be in Chapter 5? Would it hold off until Chapter 10? Well, Taking Sides does have a bonehead move but, miracle of miracles, it actually makes the book better and is even understandable. While trying to talk Jeffrey into getting to know her best friend Enid, Elizabeth realizes that he seems to be more interested in her…and that she doesn’t hate it. Liz, of course, is unswerving in her friendly duties, so she redoubles her efforts to get Enid and Jeff together, largely out of a secret guilt she feels for, you know, liking him. It’s Enid, however, who comes up with the genius idea of getting Jeffrey to put a date with his hot newbie self up for auction in the big charity fundraiser (this book does not, in fact, have a school dance; instead there are several events surrounding a canned-food drive). Then, Enid places the winning bid and scores a date with him. Note: if you’re thinking, “how could Enid outbid the very wealthy Lila in an auction?” good on ya for paying attention. The auction is based on donations of canned goods, not actual money. As an added protection, Enid manages to keep Jess and Lila away from the auction by tricking them into thinking that they’ll be expected to help put cans in boxes for several hours if they show up. Very clever. Guess what? Jeffrey and Enid find that they have no chemistry whatsoever. Enid feels like their one, perfectly pleasant date, was enough to convince her that they weren’t meant to be a couple. But Liz isn’t convinced. In what we later learn was a guilt-fueled rampage, Liz won’t take no for an answer and ends up making Enid and Jeffrey upset with her for being so dense and pushy. That lasts all of about three pages, and when Liz finally gets up the nerve to apologize, Jeffrey gives her the following hilarious speech: He: Silly girl. Don’t you realize I’m already taken? She: Taken? You mean – He: I mean, I like Enid, but I couldn’t be interested in her, because I’m in love with someone else. He’s talking about you, Elizabeth. Amazing. So where are Jessica and Lila in all of this? While Jessica asserts several times in this story that she’s bound and determined to get Lila and Jeff together, she has her own boy crisis to deal with (see “B-Story,” left). Lila tries pretty hard with Jeff, buying him soccer tickets and dancing up a storm at her various pool parties. That said, you can tell it’s doomed (if it weren’t already obvious) when she whines to him, “Jeffie, this is my favorite song!” as he leaves to chat with Liz. Ugh. They’re not even a couple yet, and she’s already nagging. As far as Jessica is concerned, “Jeffrey and Liz” is at least as acceptable as “Jeffrey and Lila” as a pairing; it’s Enid she can’t imagine any self-respecting boy dating. Experts on latter day Sweet Valley, does Jessica ever get over this whole “hating Enid” thing? In this book, she manages to accuse Enid of being both boring and scheming (not to her face, of course, but it one of those patented Sweet Valley ever-changing-narrator-perspective moments I love so dearly. But enough complaining. This is an occasion for celebration! A totally engaging, totally silly, totally high school SVH novel. Way to go, “Kate William,” whoever you may be.

19. Showdown

Jessica and Lila are in love with the same boy!

Wow! she thought to herself. Before I was only half-serious about stealing him from Lila. But now...    - Jessica, p.9 Foreshadowing is an amazing literary device. At its best, its subtlety suggests excitement to come, but leaves room for incredible surprise. At its worst, it's ham-fisted, making excuses and spoiling any possibility of an unforseen finale. Sweet Valley High is not a series known for its subtlety, but in volume 19 of the series, Showdown, a new facet was added to the gem that is foreshadowing. We'll call it the facet of ridiculousness. Allow me to elaborate. Like so many of the Sweet Valley novels, this one includes a mysterious stranger, one that we were introduced to in book 18. I didn't mention it in my last post, because it really didn't register as a B story. Or a C story. Maybe a D. The stranger's name is Jack...something. His last name is a secret. All we know about Jack is that he seems to be more than he reveals to the world. He meets Lila at one of her father's construction sites. Lila wouldn't normally approach a construction worker, but this particular one was SO attractive that she was forced to look past his probably thin wallet to his tanned and dimpled visage. Bummer. But Lila immediately had a feeling that this Jack could be no mere construction worker. Any one as articulate and handsome as he was must be somebody...and "somebody", in Lila's book, means "somebody with money."  Meanwhile, Jessica is still pretty ticked at Lila for screwing up the history report she wrote for Jessica after losing the Bruce and Regina bet (see Book 18...Lila managed to pull down a B for herself, but could only jot up a D for Jess). So when she finds out that there's a mysterious stranger who meets Lila's high standards of approval, she thinks maybe said mysterious stranger would be the perfect guy for HER.  It should be noted that this is a decision Jessica comes to before ever meeting Jack – before, in fact, she has even laid eyes on him. Truly, the depths of her devlishness are untold. So what about the foreshadowing? Relax, I'm getting to it.  Especially at the beginning, the book focuses mostly on the possibility that Jack has a secret history that he's keeping from us. Most of the characters are pretty sure this history involves something wonderful, like his own island in the South Pacific, or a yacht the size of the Patman Estate. It's only here and there that the book suggests to us that there's probably something a little darker in Jack's nature. For example, in Chapter 3, Lila's father's cufflinks go missing. It's after a big pool party she's thrown, so there's no real reason to suspect anyone in particular. As the story continues, Jessica finds herself on a date with Jack when her spending money goes missing. It's just ten dollars, no big deal, but odd how Jack calmly assures her that she probably left it on her bedroom floor. A conscious reader (by "conscious", I mean not asleep or in a coma) sees that the only new ingredient here is Jack: QED, he did it. Great. Jack's a thief...maybe some sort of con artist? We bide our time through the 9 remaining chapters, waiting for the big reveal. A few other oddities in Jack's demeanor are shared with us, but at this point, they seem inconsequential. He gets really testy when asked to divulge more about his past. He's lying bluntly to the two girls he's dating. His eyes are sometimes bloodshot. He's occasionally seen in a daze. Sounds like your average 18 year old to me.  But wait! How could we forget? This isn't some kind of neo-realist character study…this is Sweet Valley! We forgot to consider the fearlessness with which Pascal's plot bible* approaches even the simplest of story lines. These stories have the courage to be brash. The courage to be insane. The courage to have Annie Whitman try to kill herself over cheerleading tryouts and to have Elizabeth kidnapped by a quiet, dopey orderly. It was this courage that made Showdown's foreshadowing so effective. For you see, NEVER, not in a million years, could I have imagined the truth about Jack's mysterious aura. It's Nicholas Morrow who first riles up Jack's discomfort and anger at being grilled about his past. When Nick suggests that he may have met Jack somewhere before, Jack vehemently denies it as a possibility. He privately reveals to Lila that he is the son of a very important man and, having everything in life planned out and handed to him, he decided to run away from home and try to make it on his own terms before returning to his old life. While we can suspect that this is at least partly bogus, we're unsure where the truth ends and Jack's con begins. But all hell breaks loose when the truth is finally revealed to us by a friend of Nicholas's, visiting from the East Coast, who recognizes Jack as the book nears its end. It seems he and Jack went to boarding school together until Jack was kicked out for robbing a date at knifepoint. That's right, I said knifepoint. When Jack's whole family died in a boating accident, he developed a bit of a derangement, one of the Jekyll/Hyde variety. Sometimes he's sweet, almost normal, but other times his rage flares up and he becomes defensive and dangerous. The Hyde side is fueled by his drug addiction – excuse me, drugs addition, as there are several – and his constant quest for drug money. Possibly strangest of all, he has gradually built up a sort of fantasy word pieced together from his various lies, where his family is much richer than they really were, and he's vacationed in places that he's really only seen in pictures. If that last paragraph left you thinking, "WHAT?" I could leave you, dear readers, with just a simple advisory: remember that feeling. Never underestimate the prospect of a ridiculous surprise. But it would be cruel of me to leave out the story's end, so here goes. Jessica is at Jack's place, and things are getting weird. Meanwhile, Nick and his friend hunt down Elizabeth to try and find Jessica and save her. Elizabeth calls Lila to get Jack's address. Lila is reluctant to help Liz, but when she hears about Jack's dark past, she sees she's dodged a bullet and spills it. Liz, Nick, and Nick's friend storm into Jack's place to find Jack with a butcher knife pointed at Jess, who's fighting him off. There's a struggle! Nick gets cut! He's bleeding! Jessica does a cheerleader kick! She kicks the knife right out of Jack's hand! He's caught! He's arrested! Enid's plane is in trouble! Drama! Yes, yes, my friends. Things are getting good. We should have seen it coming.

9. Racing Hearts

“Can Roger melt Lila’s icy heart?”

If you're looking for the 2018 podcast episode about this book, click here. Apparently, there are only so many plot lines that the Wakefield twins can carry on their shoulders. Book No. 9, Racing Hearts, marks a kind of turning point in the Sweet Valley High series, where new characters are introduced, their dilemmas are presented, and their lives are made fabulous by Chapter 12.  Well...sort of. So far, new characters have been introduced one book ahead of time — Robin, Bill Chase, Scott — and that rule seems to be intact now that some secondary characters are getting their 15 minutes of Sweet Valley fame. Let me elaborate. Remember “frizzy haired Olivia”? She was cleverly mentioned in Book 8, so we’re fully prepared for her more central role in Book 9.  And perhaps you’ll recall Roger Barrett’s curious appearance in the last installment...it seemed extraneous at the time. Well Roger is back in a big way for Racing Hearts. He’s the main character, and he has a big problem. Roger Barrett is dirt poor. His mom is too sick to work and his dad, apparently, is an alcoholic. He has to work as a janitor at Ned Wakefield’s law firm to help pay rent. The book would have you believe that this is his main problem; I think his main problem is that he’s an idiot. All right, maybe I’m being a little hard on old Roger, but guess, just GUESS who he’s “in love” with: LILA FOWLER. This girl is such a bitch she makes Jessica look like Elizabeth (figuratively, I mean; literally, Jessica always looks like Elizabeth). Lila wouldn’t be interested in a million years – even Roger knows it. This changes, however, when Roger’s superior running skills make him a prime candidate to win a multi-school race called “the Bart”, which Sweet Valley High hasn’t won in ages. By winning this race, Roger can win more than Lila’s cold, dead, heart – the winner gets a full ride to prestigious Sweet Valley University. What Lila doesn’t know is that Roger can’t be in the race. His after-school job, which he needs to support his family, conflicts with the event. Roger decides there’s no point in asking his boss for the time off – See? Idiot. – He also doesn’t bother to tell anyone at school about this for as long as possible, as he is profoundly embarrassed of his job...I mean, a JANITOR! Gross me out...or so he imagines people will react. But not to fear, everything works itself out in the last few chapters thanks to Olivia (who is totally into Roger) and problem-solver extraordinaire Liz Wakefield. Here’s my main thought on this one: What is wrong with  these Sweet Valley boys? First Bill Chase and now this Roger character...why don’t they have the good sense to fall for one of SVH’s many pleasant girls? Although Roger, much like Bill in Book 8, eventually discovers that the less-popular, still-attractive girl who hangs on his every word (here, Olivia) is a far more viable romantic option, he basically has to have that sense beaten into him.  Be sure to check out the excerpt from Roger’s hilarious speech to Olivia that I’ve included in the sidebar. A cynic might say that Bill and Roger are no different from any real-world man, but I’m no cynic. I think it takes a special kind of idiot to fall for a heinous bitch, and Sweet Valley seems to have more than its fair share of both. Expect more of this behavior in the future,. In other news, thank God, Todd and Elizabeth don’t break up in this one! This means my obsession can continue unhindered...for now. Also, Jessica has a rather physical relationship with a guy she later finds out is only 15! Groooss! But wait...isn’t Jess...16? Still, he can’t drive, so, eew. Hey! I think an OLDER guy who’s a much bigger jerk is available...