Is someone coming between Cara and Steven?
Abbie had every intention of coming back to the Wakefields' house. And she was sure the best way to make them inviter her back was to make herself useful.
- p. 63
At this point in our journey, we're used to new characters popping up in books from time to time, propping up the story on their unfamiliar, misunderstood shoulders. Sometimes the characters are noble (Manuel Lopez), sometimes they're evil (Suzanne Devlin). Sometimes the new kid becomes a regular (Amy Sutton), and sometimes they're essentially never heard from again (Johanna Porter). And on some rare and beautiful occasions, the new kid is interesting, realistic, sympathetic, and manages to make both Jessica AND Elizabeth look like jerks.
Abbie Richardson is one of those occasions.
Abbie's sudden relevance at Sweet Valley High is not the result of a recent move or a family tragedy. She just broke up with her boyfriend, who went to Palisades High, where she used to spend all her free time. She hung out with his friends, sat on his school's side at football games, and didn't really have any friends at Sweet Valley as a result. Now she's boyfriendless AND friendless, but Abbie isn't the kind of girl who has trouble making friends. You see, she's NICE. Like, just genuinely a nice person. She likes helping people, and she has no ulterior motive.
Not surprisingly, this kind of personality is deeply confusing to the students of Sweet Valley High. Even Elizabeth thinks all this helpfulness seems excessive and, as you know, that's really saying something. But she kind of has a point. For example, the Oracle is having a contest for a new humor feature, and Abbie offers to help her prime competition, Amy Sutton, on her project. However, everyone is wasting their time trying to figure out why Abbie would help Amy; the fact is, Abbie is just more selfless than anyone else in Sweet Valley.
The cover of Pretenses features an angsty image of Steven and Cara. (I would like to site this cover/title as the most unintentionally hilarious one yet, since we now know that the pair's entire relationship operates on the false "pretense" that he's not into dudes. But I digress.) Abbie Richardson is not on the cover of 44, so it seems that the author would have us believe that Steven and Cara's relationship woes are the central matter. While I disagree, I will say that these woes are pretty interesting, and they blissfully intersect with the Abbie story.
Jessica, sure that time has cooled the flames of passion between Cara and Steven, suggests that Cara add some mystery to their relationship. Cara, somehow forgetting fthat Jessica wreaks only havoc, takes the advice to heart and finds herself being very suspiscious of Steven's moodiness when he comes home from college to deal with his allergy problems. Yes, I said allergy problems. We, the readers, know that Steven isn't upset with Cara, he's just super creeped out by a secret admirer letter he got, written on the same stationery his old girlfriend Tricia used. His old, dead girlfriend Tricia.
This is where Abbie comes in. When she starts coming over to work on her submission for the humor contest (a cartoon; see below for a shitty approximation), she meets Steven and they begin to have heart-to-hearts about his relationship with Cara. Abbie finds herself falling for Steven but, angel that she is, she realizes that he's taken and doesn't make a move. But when Liz walks in on Steven reading one of the ghostly love letters he's been getting, she gets suspicious. She and Jessica even go to the stationery store at the mall and try to get a description of who recently bought the style of stationery the notes were written on! This is pretty outrageous sleuthing on the part of the Wakefield twins, especially since this isnt even a Super Thriller!
The shopkeeper's description of a nice, pretty brunette buyer confirms Jessica's radical suspicions that Abbie is sending Steven love letters and trying to break up his relationship with Cara. In reality, the shopkeeper is describing Cara herself, who chose to write "secret admirer" letters to Steven in order to be more mysterious. Ironic, right? Jessica is always trying to get Cara and Steven to split up (as long-term relationships are boring), and now that she's succeeded (indirectly, as her "mystery" suggestion prompted Cara to send these anonymous letters) she's furious at the (innocent) person she thinks might be keeping the pair apart. That's deep, ladies.
Steven then does the unthinkable: he invites Abbie to a basketball game INSTEAD of Cara — after all, Cara is mad at him for being distant and who wants to hang out with a girl who's always mad at you for no reason (or, rather, for a reason that you haven't figured out yet)? All that nagging will surely cutback on the enjoyability of watching Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, and the '88 Lakers (the book mentions that's the team they'll see) win the NBA Championship. Abbie is surprised to be asked; she likes Steven a lot, but doesn't want to get involved with a taken man (again, NICE):
"The game will be fun. But I'm surprised you didn't ask Cara," Abbie said directly.
Steven frowned. "I appreciate your honesty, Abbie. That's one of the things I like best about you. I can really talk to you, tell you exactly what's on my mind. The sad truth is, I can't talk to Cara anymore. We just seem to misunderstand each other completely. I think we're really on the verge of breaking up."
Abbie cleared her throat. This was a hard moment for her. Partly she wanted to stay quiet or encourage Steven in some way to follow throught with this plan. If he broke up with Cara, he'd be free to date her. But Abbie couldn't be so selfish. Something told her that Steven wasn't saying what he really felt, and she just didn't believe it was really over beween them.
Miraculous! You didn't think I was joking about this whole "nice girl" thing, did you? Abbie is right, of course. The real reason Abbie understands Steven's moodiness more than Cara does is that Abbie knows about the creepy love letters and Cara doesn't. I mean, of course she knows about them – she wrote them. But she still has no idea that they were written on the same stationery that Tricia Martin used, or that Steven is so confused by the concept of stationery sets that he jumps to the conclusion that either (a) someone's playing a sick trick on him or (b) a ghost is writing him letters, rather than assuming his current girlfriend is trying to be mysterious.
That's what you get for listening to Jessica. I don't think these people will ever learn.
The final scene of this book is a sweet one. I mean in the way that revenge is sweet. Abbie is confronted about her man-stealing ways by not one but BOTH of the Wakefield twins. We all know that Abbie has no such ways, but will her niceness keep her from standing up for herself? No! Finally, she realizes that maybe she's been too nice. Being considerate is great, but ultimately she has to remember to consider herself. This is kind of a weird lesson, but since it results in the twins looking awful, I'll accept it. Abbie lets loose:
YET ANOTHER SUPER SPOILER ALERT!!
Okay, okay. You've had a few months. Has everyone finished reading at this point? Like it or not, it's time to put your books away and get pencils out. I'm giving you a pop quiz?
1.Who sleeps with more guys in this book, Elizabeth or Jessica?
2. Which Men of Sweet Valley fall in love…with each other?
3. Which character(s) grew into reportedly despicable adults?
The answers to the above questions encompass (1) my favorite about-face in this brave new SVC world (and one I find somewhat believable); (2) the part of the book that makes me most giddy, despite the fact that it seems totally unbelievable; (3) the one thing about this book that really, truly stinks (putting aside my dismay about Jess and Todd ending up together). Let's explore.
ANSWERS:
I have referred to several of the men on the cover of Sweet Valley High novels as “Tom Cruise.” I didn’t do it because of an obsession with Cruise, or because of the characters’ tendencies to hate on antidepressants and jump around on chairs. I did it because I thought they looked like Tom Cruise. Let’s review, shall we?
Here’s a cover image from Book 12, When Love Dies. I’m not sure how accurate a statement this was. I mean, look how tall Steven Wakefield is! One thing I do know for sure: I am very, very funny. :D
It’s not just Steven that resembles Ol’ Top Gun.
OK. There is no doubt in my mind that Book 35‘s Aaron Dallas looks exactly like angry Tom Cruise. As for the Zack Morris/Jeffrey French corollary, I’ll let you be the judge:
Hee hee.
With Book 36’s entry a couple of week’s ago, I finally broke down and called out cover artist James Mathewuse. It’s not just Steven, Aaron, and Peter that look like Cocktails-era Cruise. About 75% of Sweet Valley boys resemble Tom Cruise in some way. I mean, even creepster Scott looks a little like Cruise with a mustache.
Flip through the old entries (or your own book collection) and you’ll see what I mean. There are plenty of occasions when Todd Wilkins, Roger Barrett, or even Bruce Patman look a little Cruise-y. Perhaps it’s because of his popularity in the ‘80s and ‘90s. Or maybe, they don’t resemble Cruise at all. Maybe he looks like them!
OR---GAN---VAAAAAMP!
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Can Cara make Steven forget Tricia Martin?
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"I may have betrayed Tricia's memory once, he told himself, "but I will never, ever do it again!" - Steven Wakefield, p. 4 As you have likely come to realize, Sweet Valley High novels are not typically complex. There's a prominent A-Story and a rather unimportant B-Story. Simple, like a sitcom. And similarly hilarious. I don't know exactly what Book 24, Memories, is, but simple ain't it. For starters, the story Memories purports to be about is almost nowhere to be found in its first half. And speaking of starters, that story, focusing on Steven and Cara's possible relationship, started in Book 23 and has been an undercurrent in every book since Tricia died! While the book tries half-heartedly to catch up readers who haven’t been following along, in order to truly understand this one you need a little background on Steven and Cara’s fledgeling relationship. Most important of all is the dramatic change of heart Steven had toward Cara in the last book, basically because she’s learned what true loss means, which has changed her priorities and made her tolerable. Her parents divorced and her father and brother moved far away, so now she’s totally dateable. A little creepy, right? Well, creepy takes on new meaning in Book 24, when Betsy, the once-drunk sister of Steven’s dead girlfriend guilt-trips him into ignoring Cara. She feels like it’s their job to keep Tricia’s memory alive, and is really angry with him for trying to move on. Worse yet, Steve buys this story and is so paralyzed by guilt that he can hardly get through a date with Cara without freaking out and running off. On to the second Wakefield child. I was so pleased with the outcome of Liz and Todd's reunion at the end of Book 23 that I honestly believed she'd go a whole book (maybe even 2) without having any more romantic crises. What was I thinking? The first half of this book almost totally ignored the Cara/Steven issue to focus instead on the fact that Elizabeth meets a boy who looks a lot like Todd. His name is Michael Sellers, and he goes to Big Mesa High. She figures that if he acts like Todd, too, she's set! Crazier even than this assertion is the fact that her friends encourage her to pursue him rather than recognizing this romantic prospect as singularly unhealthy. And creepy. Unsurprisingly, Michael turns out to be a tool, and we hear little else from Liz for the rest of the book. Her only other remarks, in fact, are harshly judgmental and uncharacteristic comments about Cara. Weird, huh?
Eventually, the book returns to its main characters, who are happily united by the final chapter. Yet again, little Teddy Collins (Mr. Collins’ son) is used to glue things together. Betsy is persuaded by Elizabeth that she’s responsible for stunting Steven’s romantic growth, and apologizes to Steven and Cara by drawing them pictures of each other, which she has Teddy give to them as gifts after arranging a nighttime meeting with them via the old anonymous-note trick. And it works, of course. Little drawings of each other. Who knew? How bizarre that all three of these stories are driven by intense psychological issues on the part of all three Wakefields. It’s not Betsy’s fault that Steven can’t get over Tricia, even if she’s not helping. Michael Sellers may be a jerk, but he’d probably be a little weirded out if he found out the real reason Elizabeth was interested in him. And even if Jessica had found the right uncle, she’d still have found some way to screw things up. Faithful to a dead girl, trying to replace a far-off boyfriend with a look-alike stranger, delusions of Hollywood grandeur; all in all, I think it’s time for a family therapy session. I always knew there was something wrong with those Wakefield kids. It couldn't all be good looks and pizza parties for Liz, Jess, and Steve, it just couldn't! But I uncovered some very interesting information between the lines of Book 24: they are all suffering from acute mental illness. These things can happen in soap operas like Sweet Valley High, and I'm experiencing some serious schadenfreude over the fact that it's hit them all at once. You die-hards know what I mean. As winter approaches, I'm getting kind of sick of their perennial springtime or fall or whatever the hell fictional, Californian time warp they're living in. Some hard-core crazy will knock those jerks down a peg! Okay, I know. Now I sound crazy. But what can you expect? I've been documenting these creeps for over a year, with no end in sight! Wish me luck. |
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“Somehow, Jessica will get rid of Betsy!”
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Dear Diaries, Oh me oh my! Yet again, tragedy has struck Sweet Valley, and this time it’s going to stick. Tricia Martin is finally dead, which is really the only way anyone can be dead. Miraculously, Jessica’s icy-cold heart thaws a bit at this event and even she is able to see that the death of her brother’s beloved girlfriend (of cancer, at 17) is kinda sad. But this lapse in bitchiness proves temporary when an apparently greater horror occurs: Tricia’s sister Betsy moves in with the Wakefields. Now, Betsy might not sound like a slutty name and, based on Book 15’s cover, she might not look like a slutty girl. Slap a leather mini skirt and some heavy eyeliner on her, though, and Miss Martin operates at a slut-factor that puts even the formerly “Easy Annie” to shame. SURE, after Tricia’s death Betsy promises to get straight, but come on, why should Jessica trust that lousy skank? Huh? Or so she argues when Steven and Liz both plead with her to give Betsy a second chance like a decent human being. Surely I don’t have to tell you, clever readers, that such pleading is futile. By the end of the book, Jessica convinces Betsy that she’s just a pitiful charity case, driving her out of the Wakefield house and into someplace called “The Shady Lady” for her first drink and 3-way makeout in weeks. (Surely not the first girl Jess has driven to the bottle.) Luckily for Betsy, she’s not really a mere charity case to Liz, Steven, and Steven’s cute college friend, Jason. In the course of her stay, the Wakefields found that Betsy was a first-class artist (she drew some killer sketches of her dead sister and the Wakefields eating breakfast — two separate drawings, not Tricia's ghost at the Spanish-tiled kitchen table). Unable to gain the trust of an emotionally damaged and gun-shy Betsy, the three secretly win her a scholarship to an L.A. art school. In the book’s final moments, Betsy finds out that she does have real friends... and that Jason knows karate. Sexy! One interesting thing about this story is that it’s the first time any main character’s “inappropriate" behavior is described with any specificity – or, for that matter, as fact rather than rumor. True, the book does leave a lot of Betsy’s whoring, boozing, and drug use to the imagination. But let me introduce several incidences of saucy behavior that were never so boldly named in previous volumes. Even from several feet away, Elizabeth could smell the alcohol on Betsy’s breath. Her heavy makeup was smeared under one eye, and her skimpy shirt was missing several buttons...”Did I say she couldn’t walk a straight line?” Jessica asked. “She can’t even walk. She’s probably been in every bar in Southern California tonight.” - p. 8-9 “Elizabeth, a date with Betsy Martin means one thing, and one thing only...And I thought Betsy Martin stories were a dime a dozen.” - Betsy herself, p.85 “But art school’s not going to do her any good if she’s too trashed to see straight.” - Steven, p. 137
“Why don’t you guys give up and go home. We’re busy playing games that are out of your league.” “You call drinking a game?” Steven gestured toward her refilled glass. “Drinking...and maybe other things too,” Betsy said...”Charlie here just got his hands on some dynamite pot.” - p. 140-141
“How positively awful–having to share your home with such low-class trash. Why, our stable boy has more class than Betsy Martin!” Okay, so that last one was just for me. Given how unflatteringly she’s described, it’s amazing how much compassion the author and characters have for Betsy. Which brings us, of course, to the motivation for Betsy’s behavior problems: Alcoholic Dad! You know him well, as he has appeared in countless TV shows, movies, and books; there has never been a time in your life when you were unacquainted with Alcoholic Dad. Oh, he wasn’t always this way...once he had his loving wife, his beautiful young children, a great job! But now, what has he got? Nothing but Jim Beam and a dirty glass to keep him company on those dark, lonely nights and those cruel, endless days...but I digress. The point is, no teenage daughter can survive the wrath of Alcoholic Dad without permanent damage. Well, there’s Tricia. But she was a fluke, and...hey! Wait a sec...she’s dead! She didn’t survive at all. AND her dad probably DROVE her to leukemia! Oh, the sorrow! In closing, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sweet Valley may be bracing some racier behavior, but those crystalline stereotypes are living as large as ever. |
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“What terrible secret is Tricia keeping from Steven?”
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Looking for the 2018 podcast episode about this book? Click here. Horrible, horrible, the many hours I spent waiting for book number 12 to arrive. I should have looked more carefully at the estimated delivery time, but I don't think it would have made much difference. There are a handful of Sweet Valley High books that are mysteriously difficult to track down, and When Love Dies is one of them. More seasoned book collectors (anyone who consistently tracks down out-of-print texts that aren't written for pre-teen girls of the 1980s) probably know some common reasons why this occurs. Limited run? Warehouse fire? My theory, for this book at least, is that those many internet entrepreneurs who purge themselves of their Francine Pascal libraries just can't let this one go. It's got to be a sentimental favorite. Because for once, by God, this one time, someone in Sweet Valley has something both serious AND believable to stress about. Who smells an ulterior motive? Much to Steven, Elizabeth, and Todd's eventual dismay, Jessica wants to fix her brother up with Cara Walker, who we all know to be nothing more than an attractive plot device. Allow me to elaborate: Cara is a notorious gossip. She knows everything about everyone everywhere, as if by magic. This allows her to alert anyone in Sweet Valley to whatever he or she needs to know for the story to progress. Now, Steve isn't really into plot devices, attractive or not – he prefers real girls. But there's no denying that she's very handy. In this very book, in fact, she informs Jessica that a handsome young TV personality is in the local hospital with a broken leg – a bad one, at that, as he's in the hospital for at least a week. This, in turn, leads Jessica and Elizabeth to become candy stripers at said hospital. All stars are aligned. Based on this information and the title of this book, can you figure out the rest of the story? I think you might be able to get pretty much all of it, except for the part where Jessica is proposed to by the TV star and accepts, not because she actually wants to marry him, but because she's enticed by the idea of a prolonged engagement. But that's the cotton candy B-Roll of Book 12 (see sidebar), so it will have to wait for another day. I had the luxury of more than a mere synopsis – dialogue, inner monologue even! – so it was pretty easy for me to nail this one down by chapter 2 or 3. Tricia is dying. She doesn't want Steve to know. One of the twins would happen to run into her at the hospital while working. That twin would end up telling Steven. Now, that might not SOUND "believable," as I called it in the opening paragraph, but I haven't given you all the details. Tricia has leukemia. Her mother's death is what lead her dad into alcoholism...somehow. She doesn't want to hurt him! She's being selfless! Really, REALLY stupid, but selfless!! Poor Steven! Poor Tricia! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I have become desensitized to ridiculous plots. You're thinking that all this Sweet Valley might be really dangerous. And you are probably right. But I'm doing this for you! If I don't protect you from the sharp, rusty ridiculousness by digesting it for you, you might get Plot Tetanus! There's no vaccine for that, folks. But now that I'm infected, I'm going to hold on to this gem, Book 12. I love it. You will not be able to buy my copy on e-Bay, either. It's for your own protection.
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