Now that all that coma/personality swap/assault unpleasantness is behind us, let’s get back to what really matters in Sweet Valley: the beach, boys, and miscommunications involving suntan lotion. Marissa is joined by Russ Nickel, funny guy, writer and former beach boy (not the singing kind…though he does sing a lot in this episode).
This is the book about Bill Chase giving Dee Dee Gordon surfing lessons, some sexy Todd-interloper named Patsy, and the school play, Splendor in the Grass.
For the original book recap of HEART BREAKERS, click here.
No, Rumors isn't about golf. But it is about snobby rich people who are loath to associate with lesser individuals whom may-or-may not even be rich at all. Susan Stewart's pedigree is a mystery, but she (and everyone else) has been told all her life that her mother is a wealthy lady who sends Susan's caretaker money each month, and for some secret reason can’t reveal herself in person. Susan has no idea who her father is, either. But at least this identify affords her a white-collar status. Her boyfriend is rich-guy Gordon Stoddard, whose parents are thrilled that he's dating within his caste. In my Caddyshack analogy, the Stoddards are Judge Smails and family. Susan, then, is Ty Webb, beloved and accepted as long as she doesn't act up.
And she doesn't. Susan is a sweetheart, and not at all snobby. Sure, she's stupid. But she's 16, so we'll cut her some slack. The troublemaker here is that nouveau riche snob extraordinaire, Lila. She starts a rumor that the truth about Susan's mother has come out: She's in a “hospital for the criminally insane!” Just to be classy, she adds that the story is unsubstantiated, and "you know how these things get started," etc. (see sidebar). She's a clever villain. Now she doesn't even have to feel guilty for lying!
What’s strange about this particular rumor is why Lila starts it. It’s not merely that she is unsure of Susan’s status as blue blood, and resentful of her (possibly) undeserved privilege. It’s that Susan (who may not even really be rich) has a date to the posh and exclusive Bridgewater Ball (for fancies only), while Lila (who everyone knows is filthy rich) still does not have a date. Harumph! Lila figures Gordon will disown Susan if her bloodlines are in doubt, freeing him up to take Lila to the ball.
Once the rumor is out, that’s exactly what Gordon does. He doesn’t even give Susan a chance to explain. Of course, she wouldn’t have been able to if he had; Susan is among the last people at SVHS to hear the rumor, but since everyone assumes it’s true, no one thinks they need to repeat it to her. Gordon and the Stoddard family are scandalized.
Which leaves us to wonder, “What the fuck?”
Is this freaking 19th-century France? Who are these ridiculously wealthy people with a total disdain for anyone who might be only moderately wealthy? And how does “unknown mother in mental institution” equate to “not worthy to play tennis at our country club?” Haven’t these people heard of Howard Hughes? …And other questions.
Spoiler alert: partially because of the pain the rumor has caused her, but mostly due to entirely unrelated circumstances, Susan finds out who her mother is. It’s the woman that’s been taking care of her for her whole life, pretending to be merely her caretaker. And her father? Well, it’s the famous movie director who’s come to town at the exact same time this rumor business went down. He came to Sweet Valley to reunite with his daughter, totally unaware of the lie his baby-mama had been living for 16 years.
The end.
Okay, just kidding. I’m totally going to tell you why a woman would pretend not to be her own child’s mother, especially when she raised that child from infancy. It’s totally logical, guys! See, Susan’s mom became pregnant out of wedlock, and this director man was married. She realized that if she made up a fake last name and a fictional mother for the baby, Susan could grow up with all the privilege that would be denied a little bastard baby in the late 1970s and 1980s. Then, she’d work her ass off waiting tables, pinch pennies wherever she could, and shower Susan with “gift” money from her supposedly-estranged mom.
Wow.
When the true rumor about Susan’s celebrity father (and slightly-less-crazy-than-suspected mother) gets out, people are more excited about Susan than ever. Gordon even re-asks her to the Bridgewater Ball (despite the fact that he’s already asked Lila)! Disgustingly, she agrees. But then Elizabeth (who has been helping behind the scenes, of course) reminds Susan that she’s made a date with this guy Allan, who is actually not a creep OR a snob, AND really likes Susan. Susan is all, “oh, right.” I told you she was stupid. Lila also breaks her date with Gordon once she hears that he was going to break it to take Susan again. Suddenly she has principles. It’s a Sweet Valley miracle. I suppose it’s only right that Lila should end up without a date to the ball, since the book offers no other repercussions for her lying and rumor-starting. And somehow I don’t think “she’ll have to live with herself” will count much as a punishment in Lila’s case. (cough, worse than Jessica, cough cough)
And, um, everybody lives happily ever after. Except Gordon. See, it really is like Caddyshack! Cue Kenny Loggins…
“What terrible secret is Tricia keeping from Steven?”
Looking for the 2018 podcast episode about this book? Click here.
Horrible, horrible, the many hours I spent waiting for book number 12 to arrive. I should have looked more carefully at the estimated delivery time, but I don't think it would have made much difference. There are a handful of Sweet Valley High books that are mysteriously difficult to track down, and When Love Dies is one of them. More seasoned book collectors (anyone who consistently tracks down out-of-print texts that aren't written for pre-teen girls of the 1980s) probably know some common reasons why this occurs. Limited run? Warehouse fire? My theory, for this book at least, is that those many internet entrepreneurs who purge themselves of their Francine Pascal libraries just can't let this one go. It's got to be a sentimental favorite. Because for once, by God, this one time, someone in Sweet Valley has something both serious AND believable to stress about.
It starts out as a not-quite-so-serious problem, picking up, as usual, on a strain from the previous book. Steven Wakefield, the twins' mandatorily sexy older brother, cannot get his girlfriend to talk to him. When he calls, she seems disinterested, she makes excuses to cancel plans. Steven only comes home from college on the weekends, so he's perplexed that she's not taking the opportunity to see him when she can. This is all fine by Jessica, whose disdain for Tricia is strong and entirely based on the Martin family's rep, which is a bad one. Mr. Martin is a known alcoholic and sister Betsy is a notorious skank. She's dating that horrible Rick Andover! Ugh! Tricia, however, is innocent...or always has been. Jessica uses this new behavior change in Tricia as a weapon to convince Steven that she might have "found someone else."
Who smells an ulterior motive? Much to Steven, Elizabeth, and Todd's eventual dismay, Jessica wants to fix her brother up with Cara Walker, who we all know to be nothing more than an attractive plot device. Allow me to elaborate: Cara is a notorious gossip. She knows everything about everyone everywhere, as if by magic. This allows her to alert anyone in Sweet Valley to whatever he or she needs to know for the story to progress. Now, Steve isn't really into plot devices, attractive or not – he prefers real girls. But there's no denying that she's very handy. In this very book, in fact, she informs Jessica that a handsome young TV personality is in the local hospital with a broken leg – a bad one, at that, as he's in the hospital for at least a week. This, in turn, leads Jessica and Elizabeth to become candy stripers at said hospital. All stars are aligned.
Based on this information and the title of this book, can you figure out the rest of the story? I think you might be able to get pretty much all of it, except for the part where Jessica is proposed to by the TV star and accepts, not because she actually wants to marry him, but because she's enticed by the idea of a prolonged engagement. But that's the cotton candy B-Roll of Book 12 (see sidebar), so it will have to wait for another day. I had the luxury of more than a mere synopsis – dialogue, inner monologue even! – so it was pretty easy for me to nail this one down by chapter 2 or 3. Tricia is dying. She doesn't want Steve to know. One of the twins would happen to run into her at the hospital while working. That twin would end up telling Steven.
Now, that might not SOUND "believable," as I called it in the opening paragraph, but I haven't given you all the details. Tricia has leukemia. Her mother's death is what lead her dad into alcoholism...somehow. She doesn't want to hurt him! She's being selfless! Really, REALLY stupid, but selfless!! Poor Steven! Poor Tricia!
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I have become desensitized to ridiculous plots. You're thinking that all this Sweet Valley might be really dangerous. And you are probably right. But I'm doing this for you! If I don't protect you from the sharp, rusty ridiculousness by digesting it for you, you might get Plot Tetanus! There's no vaccine for that, folks. But now that I'm infected, I'm going to hold on to this gem, Book 12. I love it. You will not be able to buy my copy on e-Bay, either.
